The Green Lady Read online

in particular) ‘Must I be interred a third time? Once in life, once in death, and now that my body is gone, a funeral for my soul! They could not keep me in the darkness, they could not stifle me! I had a heart once, I gave it to you— you gave me yours, I thought, but it proved to be a pomegranate. False heart, why did I take it? Now mine is lost, and I can never leave here!’

  She paused, turned to Mina and, though seeming not to see her, put a little bone into her hand. ‘Here’s paper for you, write my tale upon it. And for you,’ (to Max) ‘here’s cotton, I tore it from my shroud.’ Now she came to Hamish, and gave him a third dusty bone. ‘That’s leather, from the whip of sorrow. Now my three years of life are given away!’

  At this juncture she began to gibber spectacularly, throwing her head from side to side, until, halting abruptly, she faced Max, and with a sensuous expression, held out her arms to him.

  ‘My husband!’ she purred. ‘My beautiful husband, come, fill my arms again, all is forgiven!’ —and with that word she launched forward, threw her arms about Max’s neck and kissed him passionately.

  Hamish was all astonishment, and stepped forward to intervene, but then Elizabeth gave a terrible shriek.

  ‘See! See how his flesh crumbles from his bones! See how his beautiful lips decay into mould! Alas, he died three hundred years ago! Ah!’ She flew from Max in horror, and seemed to be surrounded by invisible pests. ‘I hear the sackbuts and the lute! Oh, play on, play on, ethereal music! I hear thee! I am coming!’ —and with this flourish she flew into the black tomb once more, and shut the gate after her with a clang.

  Max, delighted, clapped his hands. ‘Bravo! Bravo!’ he proclaimed.

  But Hamish, incensed at the spectacle of his wife kissing his best friend in a more than disinterested manner, stormed to the gate and flung it open. ‘Elizabeth!’ he hollered. ‘Come out here at once, do you hear me? Did you see how she carried on?’ he demanded of the others. ‘Did you see? She must be off her head! Elizabeth! Elizabeth, I won’t ask you again!’ He returned and seized Mina’s candlestick, carried it to the doorway and held it in, but the damp airlessness extinguished it immediately. ‘Elizabeth! Elizabeth!’ he ranted. ‘Come here this instant!’

  Max attempted to pull him back. ‘Hamish, Hamish, let her be, there’s no need to get worked up!’

  ‘No need? No need?’ he raged. ‘I can’t have her sitting in there like a loon! She’s completely demented! She kissed you right in front of my face— she clearly thought you were me! She’s gaga, you’re nothing like me!’

  ‘Really, Hamish, don’t worry yourself. It’s all a ruse, for sure.’

  ‘How can you say that? I’ve never seen her like this before in my life!’

  ‘Then the ruse is all the better.’

  Now the distracted husband looked at the object in his palm, which his wife had given him. ‘It’s a filthy bit of bone!’ he exclaimed, throwing it away. ‘She’s picked it out of a casket! Is that sane? Is that your ruse, Max? She’s flipped! Elizabeth! Elizabeth, come here!’

  Max investigated his own gift from the grave. ‘I think mine must be a section of Geraldine Hargrave’s ring finger— if only the ring were still on it! Now, now, Hamish!’ he called out, interrupting his expostulating friend. ‘Enough shouting, she won’t answer you!’

  ‘She will! She will!’ he insisted. ‘Elizabeth, I’m your husband, you should honour and obey me!’

  Mina winced. ‘That’s a dangerous tack.’

  ‘Elizabeth! Don’t you ignore me! I’m very angry, do you hear? Elizabeth! Come out of there now! If you don’t, I’m leaving you! Elizabeth, are you listening? I’m going! I’m going!’

  All this remonstrance was in vain; not so much as a breath was heard from within. Hamish, becoming more and more red in the face, stamped his foot and yelled: ‘Have it your own way!’ before storming up the steps out of the vault.

  ‘Well! That might have gone better,’ remarked Mina.

  ‘Hmm. Doubtless it went exactly where you wanted it to, Mino.’

  ‘It’s extremely chilly down here, isn’t it!’ she exclaimed blithely. ‘Didn’t you say something about a drink?’

  ‘Well remembered! Let’s leave Geraldine to rehearse the next act, shall we?’

  With that they quit the unwholesome air of the crypt and reascended to the hallway, where Hamish was disappearing up the spiral staircase. They pursued, and intercepted him in the gallery above.

  ‘She can sit in there as long as she likes!’ he declared peevishly. ‘I know I’ll be very comfortable, tucked up in a warm bed— she can spend the rest of her life with her dead ancestors, see if I care!’ But a quiver in his voice announced that he was much more concerned than he chose to confess.

  Mina hugged the trembling man warmly.

  ‘Poor Hamish, this has been a dreadful ordeal for you!’ she sympathised. ‘Tomorrow morning we’ll call in the doctor again, and he’ll take care of the situation.’

  ‘Yes, and take her to an asylum, with any luck!’ he replied. ‘I’m certain I’ll sleep very well tonight, very well! If I think of her at all, it’ll be to pity her, that I’m warm and she’s not! Who wants a mad wife anyway? I can see why that Hargrave fellow locked his up— I’ve a mind to lock the door on her too, if she’s so fond of tombs! I tell you, she’d better not think of creeping into bed with me later, when she’s bored of insanity! I’ll kick her out, I will! I will!’

  ‘Dear Hamish, you’d only be doing what was right by a deranged wife,’ Mina reassured him. ‘Compassion would be most improper. But Hamish, it’s very late, and you’ve had a hard time of it here. Perhaps you should go to bed, and tackle this in the morning?’

  ‘Yes, yes! I’ll sleep like a baby, I assure you!’

  ‘That’s the way. I’m certain you won’t spend a minute in the hour thinking of Elizabeth. But it strikes me that you may be right— what if she does come looking for you? What if she gets resentful in the early hours, and hunts you down?’

  ‘She wouldn’t— would she? Do you think she might blame me for treating her badly? I can’t forget the idea! What if she attacks me in the night? She’s attacked me before— she threw a tureen of soup at me once— pumpkin and paprika— sometimes I think I can still taste it!’

  ‘Dear me,’ said Mina. ‘Then the best thing will be if you stay in one of the guest rooms. If you sleep in your own, she’s bound to look for you there first. This room just here will do very well, it’s nowhere near yours. Go in and lock the door.’

  ‘Good idea,’ he agreed, stepping in, ‘and good night— or better night, at least!’

  So he withdrew, and Mina continued along the gallery to the main stairs, which led back down to the living rooms and the drinks cabinet. Max followed swiftly behind her, and no sooner had he tasted brandy than he folded his arms and addressed his fair companion.

  ‘So, Mino, it’s high time you told me what you’re up to!’

  ‘Really, Max?’ she returned, stoking the open fire. ‘Don’t you think I should feign innocence for a while first, and tell you I’ve no idea what you’re talking about?’

  ‘You could do— but being straightforward would save time.’

  ‘Well then, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about! You know I’m never knowingly straightforward.’

  He shook his head at her. ‘Look at you there, stirring up flames without a care in the world! You’re enough to kill an adage.’

  ‘Which adage is that?’

  ‘The one that says blondes are dumb— you’re enough of a mastermind to make up for every other blonde in the world.’

  ‘Well look at you, stretched out in that armchair like a cat on the hearthrug: you’re in a fine way to prove an adage true, for the one I’ve proved false.’

  ‘Oh yes?’

  ‘Yes— the one about curiosity.’

  ‘I see,’ he chuckled. ‘But if I’m killed for prying, I’ll only turn into a ghost and haunt you. I hear it’s the fashion lately.’

  She s
miled, and tapped her nose; but he was not daunted.

  ‘I’m determined to quiz you, Mino. I’ve no intention of waiting until the grand finale to find out the whole plot.’

  ‘Don’t you have any sense of theatre?’

  ‘Too much, thank you, after such an award-winning performance this evening! Elizabeth’s so theatrical she practically breathes dry ice— though I must say she was looking a little too plump for the role of a starved-woman’s ghost. What’s behind it, Mino? You gave Hamish a nasty turn, you know.’

  ‘I’ve given nothing,’ she countered. ‘But anyway, Hamish is just as theatrical as his wife. He got through his entire repertoire of guilty sinner and wounded victim.’

  ‘This is such a clumsy business, I can hardly believe you expect it to work.’

  ‘What! Do you really think it’s all my handiwork? I would never stoop to charades, Max.’

  ‘My sincere apologies, Moriarty! I should have known better. If it were your design, we’d never have noticed it was a design at all, until it was too late.’

  She beamed. ‘Praise where praise is due, so I can’t thank you for it. This whole scheme is Elizabeth’s from beginning to end, and it’s so heavy-handed I’m almost ashamed to take part in it.’

  ‘Then why do you? Don’t imagine for a moment I suspect your intrigues any the less, Mino.’

  ‘How would I hope to try and deceive you, Max? So much wit, and so much beauty— I’m overpowered!’

  ‘Just as you should be. But answer the question: why are you involved?’

  She poured a brandy of her own. ‘Elizabeth pleaded with me— she was very upset. You must have noticed that this stratagem has desperation stamped all over it. Well, I could hardly refuse. She can’t pull it off alone, and besides, I love a game.’

  He raised his glass. ‘Here’s to that. But you’re right about desperation! Couldn’t you have given her a few tips —a Mino masterclass in tricking people? Without doubt, Hamish is a stupid man, but once he wakes up to the fact he’s been deceived, Bessy’s amateurish dramatics will have been in vain. He may feel guilty for having an affair now, but when he realises he hasn’t really driven her mad, he’ll be so furious he’ll forget guilt altogether.’

  ‘I agree with you, Max. But stupid wives use stupid schemes to win back their stupid husbands. I would never intervene in so much stupidity.’

  Max laughed outright. ‘I love the way you say you never intervene! If you had Pinocchio’s nose right now, you’d have speared me through the heart.’

  ‘If you had a heart to spear, believe me I wouldn’t have missed. But you have such curious ideas about me being a liar and a cheat, Max! I never would meddle with stupidity— I have too much ambition. If I told a lie, you can be sure it would be a stroke of genius.’

  ‘So you’ve turned lying into an art form, Mino?’

  ‘Oh yes. We’re both old masters, Max.’

  ‘No, no, no!’ He wagged his finger. ‘We’re not at all in the same league.’

  ‘Of course not, but we’re playing the same game. Your lies are inferior to mine, but a lie’s still a lie.’

  ‘Mino, it seems you know me better than I know myself! Please, I’m longing to know what all these inferior lies are, that I’m forever telling?’

  Now she wagged her finger in return. ‘Pretending to be naïve with me is inferior in itself,’ she cautioned, ‘since you know very well that you say “I love you” every time you seduce a woman.’

  He raised his eyebrows. ‘But that’s a very respectable lie— venerable, Mino! That lie’s been in use so long it’s practically a truth.’

  ‘It’s no less inferior for that. It’s only believed because your victims —sorry, lovers— want to believe it. There’s no skill in telling people what they already want to hear. A truly brilliant lie will convince someone against their will.’

  ‘Ah, I see. So if you were to say “I love you,” that would be a real marvel, since no-one wants to believe that.’

  ‘I’d never tell that lie,’ she parried quietly, putting the poker into its stand.

  Max was about to respond, but checked himself, and started a fresh line. ‘So Elizabeth wants to shame Hamish into returning to the conjugal fold, and you’re helpfully working the gears behind the scenes —which leaves me. Why am I here?’

  ‘I don’t know, Max,’ she smiled. ‘Why are you here?’

  ‘To hear why I’m here —why I’m being embroiled in this escapade. You may pretend that Bessy’s to blame, but you invited me, Mino.’

  ‘That doesn’t answer my question at all,’ Mina reproved. ‘Whoever’s to blame for inviting you is neither here nor there— you accepted the invitation, and I asked you why? I can’t imagine you’d do anything unless you saw some advantage in it.’

  ‘Perhaps I thought I’d live up to my reputation a little?’

  ‘Perhaps you did. Perhaps you mean to play the lothario of Brackley Castle for us? Who’s to fall fainting into your arms first?’

  ‘That’s a secret.’ He drained his glass.

  ‘It’s no secret at all! You always make a point of flirting with Elizabeth— you torture Hamish with jealousy.’

  ‘I make a point of flirting with everyone. I’d flirt with Hamish too, if he was prettier.’

  ‘Come, Max, you mean to try her— she told you when she married that she meant to be a faithful wife, and you could never resist a challenge like that.’

  He leaned forward, his eyes twinkling. ‘I’ll tell you why I’m here, if you tell me why I’m here: a secret for a secret, Mino.’

  ‘Tell you a secret? And in exchange for one I already know? No, no. I’ll defend my mystery, thank you.’

  She set the fire guard and made to leave. He reached for her hand, but she avoided him.

  ‘Where are you going?’ he demanded. ‘I haven’t finished with you yet.’

  ‘That doesn’t matter, I’m going anyway.’

  ‘You don’t think I’m about to let a suspicious character like you out of my sight, do you?’

  ‘Again, it doesn’t matter. I’m going to bed, and lothario or not, I’m proof against you, Max. I’ll be out of your sight in a moment.’

  She headed upstairs, and he followed, taking her arm into his.

  ‘Are we to have more entertainment tonight, Mino, or can I tuck myself in quietly?’

  ‘I’m sure you, and the tormenting ghosts of your conscience, will be left alone, Max.’

  They reached the gallery, and paused before a tall portrait of the Green Lady herself, gazing down from beneath sleepy Lely eyelids. Max gallantly addressed the image.

  ‘If my lady would be so kind as to join me at the hour of three in my bedchamber, she may happen upon something to her advantage.’

  ‘Lucky lady!’ said Mina. ‘Now that’s an offer worth returning from the grave for! And to assist the progress of your romance, I suggest you take this room here, Max.’

  ‘Tis but a brace of spectral footsteps from your painted perfection, my lady!’ he continued to the picture, in the same vein. ‘I shall suffer a little death if you fail me at the stroke of three!’ —at which Mina shook her head in wonder, dodged his attempted goodnight kiss, and sought her own room. He watched her retreat a moment, yawned, and went to his bed for the night.

  What can be more thrilling, and less conducive to sleep, than staying a night in a haunted castle? Every creak of the settling floorboards becomes the dreadful tread of a wraith; every moan of the rising wind around the battlements becomes the dying sob of a lost soul; every hiss of the rushing tide becomes a portentous whisper from the beyond. Nevertheless, Max somehow managed to drop immediately into a profound slumber.

  Had he really anticipated an amorous visit from the legendary Geraldine Hargrave, however, he might have been excited to discern, among the natural night-noises of the building, a scurry of deliberate activity. Any diligent ghost-hunter would have descried a dark figure emerge into the empty, unlit and silent gallery, pass befor
e the impassive portrait, and pause, as if listening, at Max’s door. From there, the slender apparition moved on to Hamish’s door by the head of the spiral stone staircase— more uncanny listening. Next, the phantom disappeared down the steps and alighted by the entrance to the crypt. The candlestick was taken up (which first suggested a less than supernatural agent at work) and a match was struck. Mina was illuminated, and she hurried down into the vault.

  This chamber was much darker than before, as the large candles had burned low, but Mina, knowing her way, did not hesitate in superstitious fear. Directly, she called in a whisper: ‘Elizabeth!’ and without delay, the conjuration produced its effect— the faux-Green Lady stepped out of the tomb.

  ‘Mina! What are you doing?’ she began. ‘I’ve been waiting an age! Did you bring my coat? I’m frozen to death down here!’

  The supposedly mad woman grabbed the proffered coat with a shivering hand and wrapped it around herself.

  ‘Here’s some more brandy, too,’ offered Mina. ‘You must have finished your hip flask by now.’

  ‘Every drop, believe me, just to keep body and soul together! I tell you, it’s so cold down here, some of my old relatives haven’t even started to go off yet! I know my nose will run for a week after this! But what took you so long? I thought I heard you coming a little while ago, and I called out, but you didn’t reply.’

  ‘It must have been your imagination, Lizzy. I’ve been waiting for a chorus of snores from Max’s room.’

  ‘Have you put him in the guest room at the top of the spiral stairs?’ Elizabeth checked eagerly.

  ‘Just as you said,’ Mina fibbed. ‘Everything’s running smoothly so far.’

  ‘Do you think so?’ cried Elizabeth, thrilled. ‘What did you make of my little sideshow? I thought Hamish was going to wet himself! I could hardly hold off from laughing —but I’d already decided that if I did laugh, I’d turn it into a sort of maniacal cackle. Thankfully it wasn’t needed in the end— I’d taken on the part so thoroughly, Mina, it was almost as if I really were possessed by Geraldine.’

  ‘Now, Lizzy, don’t start swallowing your own line! It’s the first rule of conning: convince everybody else, but never yourself.’

  ‘Yes, but it was a good improvisation, such a good one, Mina, I can hardly help being pleased with myself! That part with the bones was all a last-minute inspiration. The great actresses can make use of whatever props are to hand —oh, how Hamish squirmed! The little runt, I hope he’s sobbing into his pillow!’

  ‘He was certainly shaken. Honestly, I think he believed it all.’

  ‘That’s his vanity. To think he could drive me mad! Hah! The only madness he ever drove me to was marriage! But I don’t even want to think about him— it’s high time I started on my revenge. Did you hear him carry on about the kiss? I knew that would throttle him, the cretin! Oh, but Mina!’ she continued, resting against the coffin. ‘The kiss, the kiss! What a kiss! That was enough to thaw me out after a hundred years in this damned sepulchre! Now he is a man— he’s got vibrations coming